Thoughts on Keeping Communication Channels Open

For the past couple of months I have been recovering from foot surgery. Temporarily out of action, I’ve had some opportunity to do some reading that I normally wouldn’t have had time to do. Some of it is my usual mindless fantasy/sci-fi stuff, but I’ve also gotten to some good books on homeschooling and being a good parent. Sometimes these books just serve to remind me of things that I knew but forgot, or things that I needed to hear over again. Parenting can be like that. You have in mind that perfect parent you would like to be, but like a reformed addict, the bad behaviors have a way of sliding back in if not constantly monitored.

I’d like to share some advice from A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children by James T. Webb, Ph.D., Janet L. Gore, M.Ed., Edward R. Amend, Psy.D., and Arlene R. DeVries, M.S.E. I picked up this book because I was curious. My daughter has been given the label of “gifted” a couple of times, and whereas I’m not in love with labels, I was curious what the “experts” had to say on the topic. Rather than give me any new incites on my daughter, so far it has given me some perspective on some of the adults in my life (Ha!), and served to remind me of some parenting faux-pas that I am afraid I must admit I am guilty of.

Communication is SO important, especially as our kids get older and the teen years rear their head with all the accompanying dangers. I think as homeschoolers, we tend to be better at this than the average parent. We ARE with our kids most of the time after all. However, I find that it is still difficult sometimes to communicate well and not do things that shut good dialog down.

Here are some tips for keeping communication channels open with your kids (not all but a few from the book):

1. Be a good listener. Listen without comments, opinions or evaluations unless the child asks for them. 

2. Accept a child’s feelings whether or not you agree with them. Feelings cannot be “right” or “wrong”, they just are. I tell my kids that they are have a right to their feelings. It is what you do with them that matters. It’s hard sometimes, though, to not belittle their feelings with comments like “Don’t you dare cry!” “or “How can you feel that way?” In better moments I will say, “I can see you are really mad, and that is fine, but it is not ok to hit your sister no matter how angry you are.”

3. Create an atmosphere that promotes communication. Don’t be closed off. Let them know that you are available. This ties in with being a good listener.

4. Share feelings. Communication is a two-way street. You can be a good role model by appropriately showing them you have feelings and letting them see how you deal with them. “I’m really upset right now. I’m going to go sit by myself and calm down.”

5. Use “I” statements instead of accusations. “I feel surprised and disappointed that you didn’t listen to the adult who was talking to you just now.” is more effective than “You were inconsiderate and rude to your uncle just now.” The first is respectful, while the second accuses and puts the child on the defensive.

6. Separate the behavior from the child. Reprimand the behavior not the child. Don’t say, “You never seem to remember the rules. I’ve had it with you!” Say, “That behavior is not allowed here.” The first belittles, the second is constructive.

7. Communicate with touch. Touch in the form of hugs and kisses or a hand on the shoulder convey connectedness and caring. Some families are more demonstrative than others, but this can be very important.

8. Avoid Gossip. Don’t gossip about others in front of your child, and don’t gossip about your child in front of your child (guilty!). Both are disrespectful and could really hinder communication with your child if they think whatever they do or say might be shared with anyone.

9. Reward honesty. If a child admits to doing something they shouldn’t have , it helps to let them know how much you value their honestly instead of just berating them. Positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative. Also, avoid situations that might encourage them to lie. If you are fairly certain your child is the one that left the door open, instead of screaming, “Who left the door open?!”, you could say, “How can we help you to remember to close the door from now on?” 

These are just a few, but I definitely needed reminding on some of them! Now, let me just tell you what my son did the other day...”:)