This past couple of weeks I have decided
that I really want to break away from a cycle of dependence and frustration
with my kids (mostly my daughter). I have been taking to heart posts and
lessons such as this one:
Thinking about this unhappy feedback loop I have going, where I take care of all the details and push and nag the kids, and how I want my kids to grow up as independent beings able
to manage their own time, I have decided to take some baby steps in the
direction of being a little more hands-off. I want to spend less time harping
on them to do things, and less time feeling like I’m having to do everything
for everyone. I also want them to learn some more independence for their own sake.
Last week I announced that,
since I needed to feed and walk the dog and myself in the morning, the other
people in the house would from now on be getting their own breakfasts. This
announcement was met with such a look of horror and shock from my daughter,
that I couldn’t believe something as simple as food in the morning could invoke
such a teary, emotional, response. My son, however, after freaking out about
how he was going to actually know how much milk to put in his cereal, took it
in stride, and even suggested that he might be able to do lunch as well at some
point.
This is made all the more
ridiculous because I know that both of them can cook… some things at least… and
have even made whole meals before. I had to promise to sometimes still make
French Toast (“Does this mean we will never have French Toast again!?”) and
show the girl how to make an egg over-easy (again, tears, “I can’t do it right!”).
You see what I’m up against?
I took it an unimaginable step further this week by
handing my daughter a weekly list of work and telling her, that not only is she
responsible for getting it done, but that I would be doing my level best not to
nag or remind her about any of it.
I did this with love and
reassurances that I believe in her.
I thought that this was, for
sure, going to be hard on her. I thought, for sure, she was going to get to the
end of the week having done nothing and loose privileges as a result (there
have to be consequences). That is very likely still going to happen. What I
didn’t realize, however, was just how hard this was going to be for ME!
It’s only Wednesday, and
yet, I can’t tell you how hard the last day two days have been. After
presenting my daughter with her list, she proceeded to spend her free time
re-reading The Lord of the Rings for
the third time, writing in pen all over her shoes, drawing, managing her stuff
online on Howrse, and Skyping with her friend. Granted, our Mondays and Tuesdays are not
heavy on the free time, but I know that she has
I don't want her to fail at any of this. I want to see her do her best, but isn't it better to let her fail now
than later when it really matters? Learning to manage her time is something that will be key to success whatever she choses to do in life.
HOWEVER… keeping my mouth
shut while watching her do this is SO HARD. It’s like watching a slow-motion
train wreck and doing nothing about it.
My job has always been to
make sure the kids succeed. I always make sure they have their work done on
time. I’ve been at this job for a while… this activities director, managing
job. It’s become ingrained. Old habits die hard.
Also, I’m running around getting
things done FOR HER and she is JUST SITTING THERE! I can’t stand it!
Somebody please give me
strength. I can do this. Can’t I?
You can do it! (That's what I tell my 2yo GD, and, by golly, she CAN!)
ReplyDeleteThank you!!!
DeleteShe is currently "testing" you to see if you will actually not interfere. Once she sees that you are NOT going to step in and remind/nag/do, she should eventually get her things done, and if not, then she will have to deal with the results/consequences. The hardest thing a parent can do is nothing. Love, you, Mom
ReplyDelete